Recently there’s been
a lot of discussion about whether restaurants have the right
to turn away non-adults, or children/babies simply on the
basis of their age. The whole argument strikes me as rather
ludicrous. All we have to do is institute certain rules
that won’t smack of age-ism or be construed as being
baby-ist and we can have a natural selection process take
place where the sword might come down on children…or
those who simply act like them. These rules could include:
- If you chew with your mouth open,
lick your knife or the top of the dessert of the person
sitting beside you, you’re out.
- If you interrupt any Mom talking about
her busy day with any remark resembling “Not just
people with kids are busy, you know.” you’re
out.
- If you cry, whine, yell, scream, in
a setting where Moms are trying to relax, you’re
out.
- If you spit your food out, you’re
out.
- If, for any reason, the people traveling
with you are required to carry Wet Wipes for your use,
you’re out.
- If you wear a bib – or worse,
a tucked in napkin or plastic square with a lobster printed
on it - you’re out.
- If you didn’t pick out your
own outfit this morning, you’re out. (Yes this gets
rid of husbands who can’t pick their own shirts
either – but really, what type of conversationalist
is this guy going to be anyway?)
- If there is the slightest chance you
might expel bodily fluids from any orifice while still
seated at the table, you’re out.
- If you can’t stop looking at
women’s breasts with an overly appreciative and
hungry eye…and when you stand up you’re higher
than them, you’re out.
Of course, no exclusionary policy would
be complete without also instituting VIP membership criteria
for good or exceptional behaviour, as well. From my opinion
this might be:
- Gurgling, giggling and spontaneously
smiling at anything I say.
- Gazing at me with pure adoration and
love.
- Holding on to my finger with your
entire hand.
Pretty straightforward, I think. It’s
not the babies we object to, per se, it’s the unquestionably
bad behaviour which we wouldn’t accept at any age.
Now sit up straight and start gazing.
|
