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Tantrums...they can be exhausting, frustrating and embarrassing.
Especially when they happen in public, or in front of friends
and family. As parents we spend a lot of time trying to avoid
and defuse them. We find ourselves walking on egg shells,
or giving in to demands just to get through the day without
them. But it's usually the reason why our children's tantrums
return again and again.
All kids tantrum from time to time, especially children under
five. There are some common causes, tiredness, hunger, being
over stimulated or overwhelmed. As parents we should try to
make sure our child will have success by watching for these
triggers, but it is the "I want my way" tantrums
that are often the most challenging. The one where you can
see it starting in the store because they want a toy, or because
they don't want to leave the party.
It is important to recognize that we can become part of the
problem by providing our kids with an audience and a target
for their display of emotion. They need to learn that they
can soothe themselves, and that they can and will recover
from whatever they're feeling. There are some important things
you can do to handle a tantrum effectively which will help
your children learn this very important lesson.
Try understanding first. Always start by
empathizing. This can be very de-escalating and can often
stop a tantrum in its tracks.
Never give in. It is okay, as a parent,
to change your mind or reevaluate your decision, but never
after your child has been rolling around on the carpet in
a rage. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you give
in to the behaviour, you may have dodge that tantrum but you've
guaranteed another.
Don't be afraid of the tantrum. Be neutral
and confident. Children watch us, and if they see that we
are having difficulty controlling our behavior they may feel
it just can't be done. So, the more you yell, the more hysterical
you'll both become.
Disengage. Don't work so hard. Sometimes
we become part of the problem. We start negotiating, pleading,
cajoling and then threatening. All of which are fuel for the
tantrums fire. In a neutral way, walk a few steps away and
give what I call paradoxical permission... "Go ahead
get it out. Cry if you have to, but you still cannot have
that toy."
Give messages of competence. Say things
like. "You will be fine, you will feel o.k. in a few
minutes you've gotten through this before, and I know you
can do it"
Name the tantrum. At another time (when
your child is not upset). Give the tantrum a name like "Volcano
Man" or the "No Monster," so you can talk about
it together and work on shrinking the tantrum so it doesn't
get in the way of having a nice time. You can then have some
fun talking about how you are going to control the tantrum
through calm breathing so he doesn't get bigger.
Try adrenaline play. Have some fun with
adrenaline games, hide-and-seek, obstacle courses over pillows
in the basement, or tickling to increase adrenalin. This can
help by substituting fun action games instead of some of those
predictable evening tantrums.
Set limits. Set clear limits around behavior
so your kids know the consequences ahead of time. This helps
them to make good choices, and use strategies manage behavior.
Reward good choices. Remember to reward
good behaviour. You can but don't have to reward with something
the child wants i.e. a treat, or sticker. There are lots other
ways to positively encourage behaviour. You don't have to
have a parade about with elephants and marching bands, but
you can compliment your child, tell a close relative when
your child is within earshot, and create a "caughtcha
being good chart".
Jennifer Kolari M.S.W.,R.S.W
Connected Parenting
www.connectedparenting.ca
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